Dear Diary

We’ll begin today’s proceeding’s with an old, joke article I wrote. It’s a diary entry for when I transferred to Temple University. Enjoy! – MOSES 2.0 (Matthew Zimel)

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, tomorrow is move-in day. Temple University dorms here I come!

Day 1

Arrived. Finished unpacking boxes and it seems I accidently grabbed some other boxes instead of some of mine. Have been eating meals out of mom’s old bathing suits. I can only imagine she’s wearing my plates to the beach as we speak.

Day 2

Roommate arrived. Larry. He’s very nice. Hobbies include sticking googly eyes to all of our furniture and going into public restrooms to read the stall graffiti. Thinking of moving out.

Day 3

First day of classes. Some real interesting ones today: History of Balsa Wood followed by Advanced Ferret Tossing. Can’t wait. I heard that if you get rabies in the latter, you automatically get an A.

EDIT: Apparently I misheard. It’s only if you get rabies in the former that you get an A… I am both terribly confused and exceedingly intrigued by this.

Also, made some friends in class. Lost them immediately when they noticed that my book bag had googly eyes. Goddamn you, Larry.

Day 4

Shady guy followed me home, pulled out a knife and then stole my book bag. Said he’d never seen a googly-eyed bag before. Thought it might be worth something. I thought he was an idiot. I told him this. Now I am telling the doctor why I have eleven stab-wounds.

Day 5

Bedridden all day due to injuries. Larry brought me breakfast in bed: an omelet and some orange juice. I take it all back; Larry’s a great guy. Choked on googly eyes in the omelet. Tried washing it down with the OJ. More googly eyes. Larry is awful and I wish a piano would fall on his head.

Day 6

Back to classes after my day of rest. Got new book bag. It’s really nice. Some guy on the street thought so too. He told me this. He also told me that he wanted it and would take it by force. Wanted to say something smart again. My mass internal bleeding coupled with my profuse external bleeding helped to change my mind.

Day 7

Met cute girl at 7-11 today. Introduced myself with style and wit. She responded and introduced herself with profanities and pepper spray. I can finally see again. Where’s my book bag?

College life is great.

~MATTHEW ZIMEL

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